By Nu, founder of Revival Disability India
My entire life, I’ve craved the stability, routine and consistency of institutions. However, I’ve never really felt like I belonged to any institution, whether that’s educational, social or medical. The moment you enter an institution you’re expected to adhere by rules. By norms. Of what or how things should or shouldn’t be. If I was admitted to hospital, I would be expected to wear a hospital uniform : a designated light blue wrap around shirt and dark blue pajamas. I couldn’t take walks around the hospital unless I was wearing the uniform because that way, they could ‘’recognize’’ me and it would be easier to track me down if I chose to run away. But me, including my boobs (which didn’t fit into the shirt provided) chose to rebel. I would imagine painting the walls of my hospital room with colours of disruption and wonder and grief of spending my entire childhood in hospitals. I’ve wanted to combust into my art my whole life.
“For me, radical love doesn’t belong in inaccessible communities where care is gatekeepe’d. Care belongs in my naked fatigued body, lying in the dark, in bed with my vibrator by my side.”
I think Revival was a result of that. A result of a rebellion against institutions. I’ve never known something so deeply and magical as this disabled grievous horny joyful rageful wise sad movement that I created. Home for disabled folks do not belong in institutions. They belong in the nook of chests, they belong in bodies that have been medicalized, that have been prodded with needles, and have been try hard to Belong. My undergrad psychology teacher would see me hanging out and eating alone during break, and turn to me and smugly tell me that I have to ‘’try harder’’ to make friends. Anyway she was an ableist bitch, next.
“I aspire to create a Disabled Sextopia”
I refuse to belong in institutions. I refuse to befriend people who don’t make me feel Access Intimacy. I refuse to be a part of communities that have expectations of how I should dress, who I should talk to, how I should and should not behave, what words I should and should not use. Some call what I do activism, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around associating myself with words such as actionable, capacity building and knowledge structures. These words are rooted in able-bodied histories and movements.
For me, radical love doesn’t belong in inaccessible communities where care is gatekeepe’d. Care belongs in my naked fatigued body, lying in the dark, in bed with my vibrator by my side. Care for me lies in isolation, because isolation is the most accessible to me, and has always been. So I organise my pleasure around intimacy in isolation where I videocall my long distance partner instead of physically going to see him. Video calls have always been more intimate for me rather than physical meetups. So has technology driven sex from the comfort of my own bed while my partner watches me from the other side of the screen. I have always felt more in control when I’m in charge of my own pleasure. I refuse to adhere by other’s definitions of pleasure or community. I aspire to create a Disabled Sextopia where only me and my vibrator are allowed because I have always been the most accessible person that I can turn to.
Learn more about Revival Disability India here