safer sex

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So as we pleasure propagandists know – the main problem with getting men to put it on – is that they say it stops their pleasure.

These are of course, the men who don’t realise yet that they have been missing years of sexy safer sex. The kind of sex where their lover says

“Lie still I’m going to fuck you slowly and slowly so slowly” and  slow like continental drift, they unroll a condom carefully down and around their erect dick  with their wet mouth.

Or they drop some lube in the end to give that warm squishy feeling inside the condom just where it matters.

Or they consult The Pleasure Project’s sexy tips page and get really creative.

Anyhow we digress.

A new condom  has been invented that will enhance its sexiness by putting a gel inside it to make erections last longer.  It works by increasing blood flow to the penis and making it hard for longer.

 

It all sounds good on the good.safe.sex front and similar  to the condoms with a dab of climax controlling or anesthetic gel in them – that make you “so numb you don’t come”.

Showing that a little bit of numbness can be good when it comes to some of that stuff us human beans get up to in the bedroom.

 

 

This new one has been touted as the and should be on the shelves first in the UK.  So it makes erections last longer, so making men (and their partners) keener to use them and also stops condoms sliding off during their softer moments.

The last stage of approval apparently is to ensure that the gel only rubs off on the men not their partners . Hum. Why so ?

 

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Two weeks ago we put out a call for fantasies for the “Share Your Pleasure”

most common fantasies ?

event in Delhi – and on the night we had a fantasy box into which we collected all your lovely fantasies. This was all to make us wealthy, healthy and wiser in our fantasy banks. We are adding them to the huge amount we collected in Vienna at AIDS 2010.  It’s all good.safe.sex.

dilli desi-aunties ?

So its time …..to reveal……..what do those dirti delhiites  fantasise about during the long hot summers…..         ice cream? cold showers ?                                   a functioning AC unit ?

So we asked the gathered listeners to tell us how their fantasies smell, feel, look and taste like…

Someone was very specific. Their fantasy tastes of vanilla or cucumbers on water, feels like midnight showers  and looks like a man in a top hat. Such poetry –  we do hope they get all of that all at the same time soon.

Food predominated, as did water and a bit of light bondage and domination. (Oh ho Dilli Dilli).

And so of food; you wanted yoghurt covered blueberries, you wanted chewing gun stuck to nipples , you wanted to force feed your blind- folded lover green chillies and finally when all was said and done you wanted to “make alphabets in jam on bellies and clitorises” .  (Was that the plural  …..Phew)

But if that is making you a little too hot in this unbearable summer heat – you will be glad to know that water was a key preoccupation of our Delhi frantic fantasizers.  We had lovers in with “the aroma of last night’s rain on a sandy terrace” or seeing him “dancing naked in the sprinklers in the lawns around the monument at 8am” and we had some lucky slave being dominated by her mistress in the jacuzzi.

And then some more unsuspected fantasies – two people like moustaches on a woman  “its good to find a little to rub face to face, lip to lip” Oh hello. We hear you.

We also had a very sexy ode to a sexy Jacaranda tree and the man sheltering below it.

You BLUE tree, wet dark and mossy carpety ! So so moist, cool, you thick trunk ! and millions of your blue blue flowers, falling, anointing my nakedness”.  “Jacaranda you lucky bitch …look at the latino, caramel boy, sprawled, spread out to dry his beauty on your kind slope.”

We had a couple of very sexy nerdy fantasies. And before you say ANYTHING I always use the word nerd as interchangeable with sex god.

One was an OCD (very neat top of the class ) list of 4 exciting foreplay activities and then a sweet sad plea, to say  ” I cannot think of more, I’m single and dying to try“.  H, I do hope your time has come because that was a well organised list.

We also got a  loudly titled “A Gay Fantasy'”

with a mathematical feel.

Licking armpits+licking chest hair+Rimming my guy’s ass =You know me!……… (well I do hope so ;-)

We had people wanting sex on railroad tracks, in dark cinemas and three people in a place we all knew.

Yodakin bookstore itself. Oh hello. A whole new meaning to sexuality resource centre. So we shall leave you with one of those very fantasies.

“I’m in a quiet corner in this bookstore in Haus Kaus village. I am slightly tipsy and aroused by the erotic images showing on a projector screen. I glance at a man in the corner. He smiles at me. I smile back. I start to touch myself. I can tell he is aroused. He starts to touch himself. We stare at each other, engrossed in our mutual masturbation. Suddenly we notice the room is silent. We have an audience. I decide to stop. I got shy”

I guess it really was alright on the night.

And THANK YOU DELHI. The fantasy bank is overflowing.

The Pleasure Project is looking forward to hearing what other cities might have to say on the subject of their fantasies. Will Bangalore be all about sex against their hard drives  ? or Bhopal enjoying the lake at midnight ?

Who knows ? But keep those fantasies coming……..we are all ears.

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Day two at The Festival on the Art of Lust and I had the privilege to talk to the patron saint of “Ethical Sluthood” Janet Hardy, who together with Dossie Easton has written “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures”.

She has authored a huge range of books about all kinds of sex, kinky sex and even sex disasters. She has written on a wide range of sexuality topics but I wanted to ask her about what we can learn about safe good sex from the world of kink and also multiple consensual partnerships or “poli-land” as she calls it.

So she starts with a bit of myth busting.

“One of biggest myths is that if sex is good, we shouldn’t talk about it, that somehow talking about it spoils the fun. That we should get swept away on a wave of passion. That if someone loves me they should know what I want. In fact negotiation can be foreplay. You can use it as a way to get turned on”.

“Putting the words to our desires is scary” but as she points out it’s all a matter of re-framing. And that’s why we love about what she says about safer sex. Who says a condom can’t be sexy if you put it on right. As she points out.

“It’s about asking how do you want me to put on that condom, not what shall we do about condoms. At some point you have to open your mouth. I would love people to get that negotiated sex is foreplay – and use it as a way to get turned on”

She recounts her own personal experience of talking about what she and her partner wanted to do to each other, and they got so turned on they had to run upstairs and just get to it quickly, before carrying on the original negotiation. After all  what is the different between “talking dirty” and “negotiating”.

I asked Janet her opinions of what different sexual communities, particularly non heterosexual communities have to offer in terms of god safe sex wisdoms.

“The numbers of different ways to get off that are not intercourse. Especially in relationships where there is not a dick around” was one that she came back with. We also talked about the fact that armpit sex, mammary sex or thigh sex is very popular where there is little access to family planning or virginity taboos. But she says

“Its a shame that they are strategies of last resort and not more popular as an enjoyable first choice”

She adds “For men to learn how to eroticize things that are not their dick is an awfully good idea, they don’t always take to it right away but they learn to love it because it opens up a range of it of possibilities”.

By which we think she means all over body pleasure and learning all those new erogenous zones that you did not know you had.

We next move onto one of our favourite topics – how to make sex education sexier and more appealing. Janet feels that it’s easy for health educators to put a “foot wrong” if they don’t listen to their audience. This will then loose the impact of their message. “Met people where they are” is the term she uses. If a sex educator goes to talk to a group of people who are into BDSM but don’t recognize the value that community places on consent – then the audience will be lost.

Janet gives an example of how she and Dossie, her partner and co-writer of many books, showed a group of health educators how two people might negotiated a BDSM scene. The room fell silent and someone piped up  “I wish everyone did that”. The open negotiation of all elements of what they hoped who happen during the sex was a great transferable lesson, they hoped would happen for the non BDSM or “straight” world.

She also had some wise words on what we can learn from people in non monogamous relationships. Having multiple partners means talking explicitly and agreeing with all partners about what is safe and who needs to wear condoms all the time and which partnerships don’t need to. But beyond that people who are negotiating to be with or love more than one person at once are really going to hone their communication skills – because they are trying to keep a many relationships happy, healthy and fruitful against the expectation of society. Whereas people in monogamous relationships may not have the same challenges or will accept these norms without discussion.

Janet talks great wisdom and good sense about topics that look initially a challenge, but are in fact simpler than they seem. Like making safe sex sexy. She lifts the fog and we love her for that.

The Ethical Slut 2nd Edition has just been released. Buy it. It is fantastic.

 

 

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